We love children, but not in our main service. They are messy, often smell, and make a lot of noise. For that reason, your children must be relegated to our children's church where we lock them in a small room and throw in snacks periodically. 

Clothes. You should wear clothes. Nakedness is a shame.

Young children are safe in the care of our expertly trained all-male nursery staff. Are you uncomfortable with the idea that burly men would care for you newborn? Then get right with God, you biggot! Men are just as capable as women. 

Your wallet is what we are most concerned about. We accept debit and credit, but cash is king. That way it is easier to embezzle. 

Our church services start promptly at the designated times. Any late comers who desire to enter after the designated time must first endure our church's historic "late comer hazing ritual."

The service lasts as long as it take for you to get right with God. Our pastor has an endless supply of sermons. Get right, and then we'll unlock the doors.